Creating memories

I am able to tell a story if only I was there and had an experience. So I relocated from Durban to Johannesburg in 2017 August. The purpose was to find myself, to understand myself better, to find my purpose. The few months where fine and all, I enjoyed the journey at that time.

When time went by I needed to make change, I needed to make certain decisions because I knew what I came to do in Johannesburg. One of the things I had to adopt it was to love myself as a whole, to accept myself as I am. When people started to leave me I found myself, when people started to say I am busy I can’t make it, I questioned myself if this is really how I should be living my life? I made a decision to come 1st in everything that I do, if someone cancel our arrangement that doesn’t mean the party must stop, I shall carry on and go do what makes me happy.

I started going to social gatherings alone. I needed to understand how does it feel to be in a social space where everyone looks happy, everyone looked like their life is perfect and it in the right shape and pieces. I don’t even want to lie to you, few minute in, I felt so lonely, I thought I didn’t belong there, I thought maybe it not my kind of scene, I thought they could see inside my heart how lonely I felt, how vulnerable I was in that moment, I felt empty. It was a 7 km hike, so when the hike went by I started accepting all my feelings, I started telling my heart and soul that this is about you guys, I came here because I needed to feel something and let me accept all these feelings with grace. Hike went on and I found my self, I started making conversations with anyone who was willing to talk and engage.

I accepted the pace of my journey, I started to appreciate the hike and nature, I started to thank myself for coming here and satisfying my soul, I stopped and took pictures, I took videos and I made sure that I will enjoy my own company, I will enjoy everything that is surrounding me. I let go of fear, I let go of judgement and I started to mingle and laugh about anything that made me smile/ laugh. I started to appreciate my strength for making myself happy without anybody’s approval . I stopped and asked people to please take pictures of me, I needed to create memories for my own sanity, I needed evidence that I did it and it okay, it felt so good.

The mountains spoke to me, the stones, the hills, the grass needed me at that certain time. I needed to find my inner voice and peace. I needed to be by myself, I needed to understand my own journey, I needed to take one step at the time and go. I needed to taste how does it feel to be there all alone and see other kids having fun with their friends and partners.

I was too comfortable in Durban, I felt like the province is too small for my own growth, I tried to grow but it just didn’t happened. I never want to force things, I let them be, I prayed for a new path and it came. I am still creating memories. I am still chasing my peace and happiness. I am still choosing myself over everything and anything. Life taught me to throw away all my fears because there are here just to delay my plan and processes.

I hope you are living your life to the fullest, I hope you take calculated risk, I hope you give yourself the love that you always give to others. Be really gentle to your heart and soul.

#doingitformysoul