Zamas-Journey

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You were born and raised in a township, but that does not mean you will end up there. Life is a journey. Knowing that you belong in this world, you will one day have to look back at where you come from and make a decision about your future, my child. Every decision you make will shape your future.

The sad part is that no one tells you that you will carry this trauma along the way. You will constantly doubt yourself as you interact with other children from different backgrounds. You will have friends from loving families, wealthy families, and middle-class families. You will question yourself with every decision you make. Most of the doubt will come from wondering how you ended up here, why you are sitting at the same table as them, when they seem so different from you.

Location: Zandspruits Honeydew. Johannesburg

Growing up in this place (the shacks in South Africa), my child, a lot happens. One minute, houses are burned down. Other children do not take school seriously, not because they don’t want to, but because sometimes the environment does not allow it. I truly believe that no human being should have to grow up in such an environment, my child, because it often shapes children in difficult ways.

All I am saying is that the world is big enough for you. It will not be easy to settle in. It will not be easy to find your true self. It will require courage. You will need to face your past face-to-face so that it does not haunt you.

Please make it a priority to get yourself a therapist. You will need that shoulder to cry on, and it will change your life for the better. Get yourself a life coach and a mentor as well. You will need guidance, my child.

At varsity, you may look like other students, but never be easily influenced just because you feel like you do not have a voice. Days will not always be the same. Some days you will feel unseen and unheard, but never make rushed decisions based on your current feelings. Always pause and think before making a decision. Give yourself permission to think and reflect. Check in with yourself and ask whether that decision truly resonates with you.

You will date and you may be in relationships. Oh, my darling daughter, my wish for you is that you love yourself first. Always know that you are enough just as you are, and any man you date will be lucky to have you in his life. Love deeply, my baby, but understand that people are allowed to leave relationships when they no longer serve them. People are allowed to say when they are no longer in love. Allow people to come and go in your life.

You are also allowed to express your feelings without fearing that people will pack their things and leave. If they do, know that they were never meant to stay, baby. Do not punish yourself. Do not judge yourself. Always be kind to yourself. You matter, and you are enough, no matter what happens.

You know, Ajuwela, my child, you are smart, and I want you to know that you are enough, you are worthy. From time to time, you will feel the need for validation, and you may find yourself wanting others to approve of your decisions. All I can say is this: trust God. Listen to your inner voice and trust your gut feelings.

No one truly has it all together; everyone is simply doing their best to make it through. You are enough and you are worthy. Never think less of yourself, and never give up on your personal growth.

I love you.

Unknown- Mother-

#doingitforthesoul

#theimperfectbutperfectlifeofamother

Its safe to say we all reference from our own experience. There’s no manual and it can never be the same. I can only say so much but you know your heart and your partner.

One thing I know about love is that it beautiful, It nice to be in love with someone that you trust, and I say “You trust” because trusting someone it a personal journey. The world/ or society can tell you everyday that you need to trust your partner but if you don’t trust him/ her you don’t. I for one knows that there’s no love that exist in an untrustworthy place. Nothing good is formed in an unstable foundation.

Love exist when we start dealing with our own personal issues, individually. Let normalize healing.. let normalize forgiving ourselves.

Finding someone who is not wounded….. chances are very slim, Finding someone who don’t have scars it very rare. But you can find someone who is ready to pour their heart out for you. It doesn’t mean they are not scared, or they are not hurt. Probably they are but they are doing it afraid. Always remember that fear can prevent you from being happy and experiencing something great.

Fear can paralyze you. It important to always check in with your heart and soul. What does it say about that your partner? Listen to that small voice deep down in your tummy. Listen to those butterfly running around in your tummy because they are telling you something or they mean something. Falling in love its beautiful, It makes one smile for no reason. Love is patience, Love is kind.

My wish for you is that; Please take that leap of faith and fall in-love, don’t give up on love. Also remember that there’s no manual in a relationship and marriage. Don’t compare your love journey with others, happiness is subjective to most of us.

#DoingItForMySoul…. #loveispatientandkind

Dear: Nyambose

Maybe I should start by saying happy fathers day, I hope you had a beautiful day with your family.

For years I’ve been walking around angry at you, I’ve been hating you for not being part of my life, part of my story. I actually don’t know the reasons why you chose that path, I am walking around carrying this weight based on assumptions. I have triggers left and right but I have discovered this year that my most trigger is Fathers days because everyone around me is celebrating to have a father, everyone has something to say about their father.

I am sitting here and thinking, what can i say about you? Nothing. what do I know about you? Nothing. Are you even alive? I don’t know. How sad that I am walking around and thinking about you time to time. I am trying to picture you, how great of a human being you are? I think that the reason why I kept on thinking about you because I am hearing lovely stories of fathers, how protective they are, how they love their daughters and really you do fall in that category Nyambose because you are a respectable father to your other kids that you have decided to love and be with.

How can I fault you for not being in my life when you chose that path, maybe it was the best decision for you, maybe it what made sense to you at that time, who am I to judge you, whom am I to question your decisions, hence why I sat down with myself and had an introspection. It doesn’t have to end like this, I don’t have to carry so much burden, I really don’t have to suffer for things that I really don’t know. No one needs to be at fault, I don’t need this baggage anymore, I am sure you don’t feel guilty because each and every year you get to be celebrated, you get to be thanked because you are a father to others, just not to me.

Maybe you are a great dad to your kids, Maybe you are their hero. I am the only one that really didn’t get the chance and the opportunity to know you, and now I know it was for the better for both of us. I came out great, I would assume you are doing well for yourself. All I am saying is that it shouldn’t end like this, I don’t have to be bitter. Today I am choosing to let go off all the anger, the hate and the miserability. I carried it so well for years but I didn’t gain anything, that why I am letting it go now and I want to wish you a Happy fathers day Nyambose, Dingiswayo.

One of my wish is to have the gut to tell you that from all the hate that I carried for years, I want to learn to let it go and to start loving you from a distance, because that all we have is a distance relationship. Why not try to practice to love you instead of hating you. Believe me, I carried my hate with pride but now I shall start baby steps in loving you.

Unknown!

I am 80% extrovert and 20% introvert. I thought I should declare that first and foremost. This means I enjoy and I love being outside the house, it brings me joy and happiness. I love taking myself out for breakfast and coffee date especially on weekends.

So can you imagine how is my life currently? In South Africa our President Mr Cyril Ramaphosa announced that we will have a national locked down effectively on the 26 March 2020. That meant we are not allowed to go to work, visit friends or family, we can only go to the supermarket for essentials. Well it started as 21 days into the lockdown and now we are still on a lock down and it has been more than 65 days in it.

So how am I feeling? I can’t even describe my feelings because they are all mixed up. Days are not the same. One day I wake up with so much strength and positivity. Other days I am weak I can’t even get up from the bed because my mind is racing to a point that I can’t even help it. Well being in one space for more than 24 hours can drive you crazy, so I needed to be active to plan my life on how it will look like for the next 21 days because at the time I thought no it will only be 21 days and I can do this let me focus, let me plan and be productive.

I committed on am doing home workout for the next few days so that I can be discipline and keep my mind focus, and it really helped me to think clearer and being focus. I was very dedicated. I was committed to the exercise even in cold/ rainy days I woke up and told myself that I need to workout.

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My plan was to eat clean, exercise and loss some kilograms which I did loss. So after the 21 days was over, Mr president extended the national lockdown and I needed to come up with a new plan, what will I do next? Well I started a small garden in my balcony so that I could be able to nurture it every morning, so that I would have something to look forward too, I needed to be strong for myself and I needed to be positive at the same time because I was and still alone in the house, I chose to be alone for various reason and it felt good when I made that decision to be alone not to travel to another province.

Well what did I know about gardening? Nothing and I mean nothing, but I was willing to fail at it and learn at the same time because I love flowers and plants. So starting something that you love should be easy maintaining it even if tough days come by you will be able to hold on until better days come through. I remember I waking up one day and my plants where showing signs of dying. I was so hurt and I didn’t even know what to do, how to help them to be fresh again and be alive again. The nursery is close so I needed to figured it out myself, I never gave up, I watered them everyday. Other days they blossomed so nicely to a point that I am so proud of myself and I couldn’t contain my joy.

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So after a month (30days) I realized that something is wrong because my flowers are no longer growing, they changing colors and I was starting to stress out, until Mr president announced that the national lockdown will be on stage 4, now we have stage 4 and our life’s are a little bit easier.

This meant some of the shops will reopen, and nursery was part of those shops, thank goodness me. I went to the nursery and I explained my story to the guy that had assisted me before that my plants are dying. When I showed him the pictures of my flowers he couldn’t believe what he saw, he asked me “ Sis are they still on this packaging?” I responded “Yes” he shook his head and his like “ Oh no my sister, you need to build a bed for the plants and buy soil for them”. He showed me an example of the bed that I needed and he assisted me to get the soil I needed. I went back home and I created the bed and I re- planted my plants.

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So today I have a small garden that I truly love watering each and every morning, that I watch grow and blossom. It keeps me going, it makes my heart smile. I never knew how much I loved flowers until I invested in nurturing them and buying them consistently. I noticed my mood after buying a bunch of flowers how I felt and each time I am a totally different person.

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Yes there are days where I feel like I am on track and my mood is great. I try to support my brain as well in these tough times by reading, attending Zoom meetings ( specially those have topic of interest) I find that it helps me a lot to focus on the things that uplift me rather than focusing on negative news or being too much on social media because that messes a lot with my head. I can’t think straight at all, I panic and I fear builds up.

I bought books to read along side as well, they have been keeping me company a lot. I bought a fiction and non fiction because time to time I want to be in the reality and some times I really want a good laugh with my books, I swear you are never alone when you have books with you. They kept me going and these are the books that hold me together.

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Well this doesn’t mean I didn’t have days where I cried for no reason, some days I would wake up and I am just exhausted and I am in pain, everything would hurt, my body, everything and I couldn’t help but to cry, I was fed up of being in the house, I was tired of sitting and reading, I was tired of being strong, I was tired of having to hold it together, my body was just tired, I was weak. So I cried so much that after crying I felt better. I felt lonely, I question myself if this is really how life will be? I wondered how will I adapt after Corona? Will I be still the same person? Definitely not.

Today it day 111 South Africa Lockdown, I am still here on this blog trying to publish it, I have been self doubting myself to press publish, I’ve been procrastinating on so many things in my life currently. I’ve been very demotivated to a point that I couldn’t even lift my finger to be productive but while I was still doubting myself I had a chance to indulge on 2 good books which lifted my spirit so much, I was able to have a come back in life and start again because giving up is not an option for me.

Books always brings out the best in me, I am currently reading two Ebooks that are very helpful in my journey (they are such personal attack) but I am intending on finishing them soon.

#doingitformysoul

Book Review 1: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho 1988

This book undoubtedly has to be one of my favorite books. I truly enjoyed each and every page from this book. I related well with the book because I am a Christian and the author referred something to God and I do understand the reason behind it. 

Book Synopsis

The Alchemist is about trusting ones journey and knowing our path in this life. What are we called for? Why do we meet the people we meet? Our belief systems and what happens if one does not have trust or have faith toward their true calling.

The Alchemist delves deeper and analyses how not believing in yourself and in your enlightened giftedness, you risk the possibility of missing your path and you watching others live their fullest life with purpose. The book goes further enlighten us that Omens actually are real and they are there for a reason. It questions whether we take them seriously and they could lead you to a life of clarity. According to the Alchemist, each and every person that you meet has a role to play in your life. When they leave, it is because their role in your life has run it course.

This book is about self, self-evaluation, introspection and the importance of knowing yourself. You need to understand why are you in this world, why do you do the things that you do,in the past or currently. The Alchemist somehow gives clarity to those questions. The Alchemist shows that you are not alone if you don’t have all the answers to your life. Most importantly, my take away from the Alchemist is that we are all learning. We need to listen to our instincts and we need to trust ourselves even more.

There is an extract from the book that I truly enjoyed;

“How do I immerse myself in the desert? Listen to your heart. It knows all things, because it came from the soul of the world, and it will one day return there”.

Book Rating:

A read that that will alter your thinking and feeling.

5/5.

Book Review 2: The year of yes by Shonda Rhimes

This is a lovely read and I thoroughly enjoyed.

Book Synopsis

Shonda talks about her journey in this life. She takes us through her childhood, the person she was, and the things she liked and enjoyed doing when she was a young girl. 

She then proceeds to explains how introverted and how she loves her family but she also love her own space. She loves writing, she loves being creative, but she is also a loner. Her kids understand that because she spends most of her time and energy in her work, she truly revels in a quiet and alone space and she loves that.

Shonda tells us how saying Yes for one year has changed her entire life and her family. She started reflecting on the things that she had always neglected like declining dinners invites with friends, office events or functions because she would prefer being alone at home writing.  

Shonda sister made her realize that she never said yes to anything. She always said No to everything and that’s how she committed to saying yes to everything and her life changed in a way she never had thought of.

Rating

I learned a great deal from this book and I took some life lesson that I needed and can put into practice as an individual. Totally loved the book.

4/5

Book Review 3- The Subtle art of not giving a f#ck by Mark Manson 

What a book, I honestly enjoyed reading this book because the author give his perspective about life and how human beings behave and how they limit themselves.

Book Synopsis

Mark emphasizes on how people should start doing things that they feel they like without the fear of being judged. 

He also emphasis on how all human beings have limit in certain things. There are things that you won’t be good at but still like to do them whether it be singing for an example; you might like it, but it maybe it should not be a career choice. He clarifies on the point that we all should know what we good at and what we are not good at it. Embrace life as it is without fear of the unknown.

The lesson here is to stop stressing on the stigma of ” what would people say” or being scared of making mistakes.

Rating:

I don’t want to give too much on the book but it such a lovely read no pressure in it. 

4/5

#Doingitformysoul #embracechange #livelifefully #booklovers.

Being angry and bitter doesn’t happen overnight. It takes times and it builds up.  You think it will pass but it doesn’t actually pass. You see the smallest issues but you don’t really address them.  Those small issues that you ignored and you thought will go away… Well, they really did not go away because here we are addressing them. Here we are talking about them.

The saddest part is these feelings gnaw and nobody else. You don’t want to be a bad friend, a bad sister or the odd one out because you want to maintain a sense of “coolness”. The problem with always maintaining your “cool” is that it doesn’t always work in your favor.  You end up neglecting your feelings because you want to maintain a friendship, relationship and good standing with family at cost.

The question you should be asking yourself is: Is it worth it?  You never know how much hurt you have to endure until you reach your breaking point. It’s immeasurable until you reach it. Do we even know what our actual breaking point is? When is the line drawn, and when do we whip out the “Big fat No” and really mean it but also not feel bad about it.

Most people walk around pretending as if they have boundaries when they don’t. They seem to have the capacity to take… and take… and take. Don’t you think your load will be heavy? At some point, that load will need to be offloaded?

Most people don’t get that far in their thinking because they are too busy playing Mother Theresa or being a martyr. You never want to disappoint people; you don’t want to say exactly how you feel because other people’s feelings seemingly matter more. Says who and in who’s world?One thing about life is that it a journey and no one knows exactly how it should be done. I am yet to find somebody who claims to have the formula. You might think you’re on the right path, but the universe directs you different.

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Breaking point happens when you no longer can pinpoint anything that makes you happy, when you can’t even remember what were your goals were or are in life were. The years pass and cant even identify any growth because you forgot yourself in the process.

Breaking through and not breaking point, happens when you start to introspect. Look within, your failures, achievement and dreams before you become a world saver, before you become a shoulder to cry on for each and every living human being that is surrounding you.

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What I have learned in life thus far is that you need to know what matters the most to you. You need to take care of yourself, you need to be very gentle with yourself and know that before anything or anybody; Self come first.

Find your inner voice, find a place that allows you to think and be creative, find a place that makes you connect with your inner peace. That to me is a Breakthrough.

I wish you all clearer vision, better decision making and compassion to self. Forgive yourself of your past mistakes and always know that you can’t change your past but the future as endless possibilities.

#doingitformysoul #changeisneccesary #embracelife.

Yes I know, it has been forever… I haven’t been here in my love space, in my space of comfort…. in an uncomfortable world. I have finally found the courage to put my thought together and here I am. I am accomplishing my 1st step to be here.

On a  lite note, I hope you are ready for the year, I hope you are aware that this year will end very soon.. by the time you raise your eyebrows trying to look up it will be December and you haven’t started what you needed to start, you haven’t accomplished that task. Yes I know it won’t be easy, it won’t be nice. It will be full of self-doubt and only ideas that just end up being an idea.

When I look back to 2019 and the last trip I took to Zimbabwe, it was very fulfilling,  a lot of introspection  was done.

I took a solo vacation on purpose, ideally I wanted to experience some loneliness towards my life and to just understand how does it feel like to be lonely. I needed some time out. I needed to be in an uncomfortable position so I would understand myself better.

The vacation started on the 28th December till the 3rd of January 2020. I had a time of my life, I loved each and every bit of what happened on that trip. I meet strangers who become my friends. I meet strangers that I needed to trust because my life depended on them and my survival depended on them towards the whole trip.

So many loopholes that I needed to fill on that trip, self love, my confidence, challenging my thought and how I responded to some of the things that were happening there.

The aim was to find myself on that trip, I didn’t miss anything…. I was complete being alone in a foreign country for those 5 days full.  Some days I would be so exhausted because of the activities that I was doing and partying day in and out.I thought I was going to feel lonely but I didn’t instead my heart was full.

I will unpack each and every photo on my next blog, because each photo tells a story, each photo means so much to me, I learned, I laughed, I explored and mostly I unlearned some habits I had.

Was I not scared to do this alone? Sweetie I was so scared, I remember on the 27th December telling my heart that we don’t need this trip, let me save my money and do something else that I needed the most in my life, like running takkies or get myself a running license / Join a running club. I remember wanting to cry because I was so scared of the unknown and It was indeed of the unknown because all the bad thought I had none of them were true, instead it was pure joy and laughter trip.

I meet amazing people, I made friends who I still talk too till this day and I can feel it in my heart that it a genuine friendship and I love it.

#doingformysoul

#selflovejourney

There comes a time in our life, in our journey where one feel stuck, feel like they ain’t doing enough. A time where one question themselves about their own future, how will it look like if I don’t act now?

This is my daily anxiety because I worry a lot about my dreams / career, I worry if am I still on track? If ‘m still in line with all the things that I’ve once dreamt about? Yes, it not an easy process to do believe me! because it comes with a lot of stress, self doubt and comperisim.

I know I am capable of being the greatest in my field the problem is how will I know once I have reached it? Will my gut feeling say “Yes we have arrived, relax.” I wonder…. Working under pressure it ain’t easy. Its has it own advantages and disadvantages because at some point you lose focus on on your “why”. You start to give all your energy to new project that you have started and can not finish it on time. You neglect yourself in the process, your body will be there but your mind won’t be fully present of what you are doing.

I have walked many journies in my life to a point that I can’t even reflect back on them. I wouldn’t be able to tell you what was going on in my life when I started college on ny 1st year,t because I was not present. My brain can’t even recall it but physically I was there, I walked that mile stone, I walked passed that bridge but yet again I dont remember seeing it.

Life is challenging, there are journies that you have passed but and overcome them but at the same time, it was not an easy walk ti finish and that okay. Now it a chance to start again, no pressure, no multitasking . By the way there was a study that was done and it proves that there is no such thing as multitasking because you end up focusing on that one particular task and you end up finishing it good and the others? Yes you might finished them but the result won’t be so great or be the same as the one you gave your attention too. I suppose it true because, Ive realized that with myself.

Wanting to excel in my career and wanting to be great comes with a lot of sacrifices because this means I need to find myself a scholarship that will take care of the educational bill or I pay it off from my pocket, well funding your own education can be very costly, it sure makes you broke and obviously you won’t be able to pay it off once. ( if you are able, you are one of the luckiest one). Sometimes you can’t even go for a shopping spree at Zara or H&M like other kids at your age group.

That the sacrifice I am talking about. I’ve done this before for 2 years, ohhhh boy did I not feel it? I did boo. It was draining but I knew that I needed it, I knew it will change my life one day just one day. I agree that it comes with a lot of stress or rather stressful days. I remember back then while I was studying, I would do a peep talk with myself and say “one day my girl you will overcome this and rejoice” or when I am frustrated I would say “Im never doing this to you ever again.”

Sometimes one needs to take a break. Find something else that you can focus on and give it your time and energy while enjoying in the process.

I went and found one, BUT it still wanted all my money I mean!!! Like how Sis? Yes, it did and I was happy to invest on it for 2 years of my life which I am not regretting it at all, In fact it one of the things I am very proud off that I’ve accomplished it.

The only question I am left with is; “Can I do it again? start again?” My heart and my soul shout a big YES because I want this change, I want this greatness and I believe that the only way to pull through it by starting.. Just start. Yes it still unclear of the future holds, but what if, it unfold exactly the way you wanted it? that the gamble you must be willing to make about your future because it will be never clear, this time around I know it not clear and I am willing to go with an open mind that it won’t be easy, it will come with it own challenges but I am promising myself to be present in the process. After all that has happened, I want to know and see each and every milestone I pass, I don’t want to be distracted to a point that I lose my whole focus.

I’ve learned that challenges build us, we become fully aware of what kind of human beings we are, they make us realises our strength and understand our weaknesses. I have learned to appreciate them, I have learned to accept life as it is, yes it unfair and that okay. But that won’t stop me from finding my own path, that won’t stop me from dancing in the rain, because facing challenges doesn’t mean I must stop or pause my life and focus on that one challenge that won’t even kill me.

I guess no one prepared us for disappointments hence why we are always ready to receive good news. I have learned that failure its a new bridge to success, I am no longer looking at failure as a shame. Starting this journey will be very interesting because I am willing to give it my all, my 110% so I can gain the experience in this journey.

#doingformysoul

I relocated from Durban ( KZN) in August 2017 to Johannesburg because I needed to find myself career wise and just as a human being. I needed to connect with my body, my heart, to know the things that I love and like, to know what makes me happy, what full-fills me as a person.

Running/ jogging was always my Therapist, I used to do it just to destress, I would run because I want to think clearer, I would run because I needed a new body look for summer lol! Don’t we always do that when the session change. But in 2019 something changed, I needed to focus more on my self, I realized that I am giving too much of myself to stranger who really don’t care, it could be a boyfriend giving him too much love and too much of my time that I neglected myself.

Well, I needed to set a bucket list for myself and mind you it was already June so that means we were already in the middle of the year, that meant I needed to be very realist about my 10 goals that I needed to accomplish by the end of the year, I needed to be honest with myself as well and know that I will deliver. So taking a further step on my running was part of the journey I wrote it down that I need to run a proper marathon and I was very specific about it, I wrote that “I need to finish half marathon, thee Soweto 21km” Lol, wow, I am very ambitious I tell you.

At that time I have not even started training, I have not even entered for a 10km proper race, but I was very optimistic About my goal, so I entered my 1st proper race which was 10km race, I timed myself and I finished it in 1:08min I was very excited about.

So to train for The Soweto Marathon I started in August during weekends, I started increasing my running pace and kilometers each week, I focused more on my body, I stopped running with earphones so that it will allow me to connect with my body, to know when it want to shut down, when it want us to rest.

Some weekends I could not make it to the training and that was also fine and okay, what I have learned from my training is that don’t be too hard on your body, don’t be harsh, listen to your body it will always carry you. As long as you understand it.

So let go to the race day! What a day to be celebrated and be cherished. I was very excited in the morning when I woke up lol, my heart wanted this challenge, my body wanted this pain, my spirit was ready. I was so happy from within. You know when you are genuine happy, I realized how much I love running, I realized how much this means to me, because wow I couldn’t contain the excitement. The race was very hard that I won’t even lie about, it was uphills mostly, I won’t even be able to tell you from which kilometer because I couldn’t check my phone anymore, I couldn’t time myself, it was such a painful race yet I wanted/ I needed to finish it.

I drank water on each and every station that was there but I didn’t drink the water to finish it,no, I drank the water just to water my trough so I can be able to breath in and out, I didn’t have too much water because I didn’t want to go up and down the bathrooms because I need to peer,no!I showed my body with water so that it can contain the calmness, it was very hot,wow!

My advise is to always listen to your body, always, know when it needs to get some energy, know when it needs to relax just a bit.

I bagged my 1st 21km medal, I am so happy, I am proud of myself, I am content with myself. It was not a walk in the park but I have managed to pull it through, I manage to do it with a time frame of 2:51 minute. It just the beginning of many marathons.

Making a mark on this day the 3rd of November 2019.

Find what you love, make time for it, love yourself unconditionally. Do what makes you happy all the time. Life is a journey that needs to be experience, don’t compete, run your own race.

#doingitforthesoul

#21kmgang