Human beings talk, people believe that they are entitled to their own opinion in any situation given or presented to them. People have opinion about anything as long as they are not in the situation.
I grew up in a township where I needed to defend myself towards other children, at school I used to be bullied just like any other kids, the unfortunate part about being bullied in public school is that, those kids get to bully you with something that is very true, they choose something within your body that doesn’t look right, they will tease you with something that you really can’t change, they will make fun of it and everybody will notice it, your self esteem get to be bruised. I was just a child as well I didn’t know that it could affect me when I grew up.
I grew up and I was very hyper, I was a friendly child, very loving. When I started working , I started to notice small things, I was very sensitive and I am still till today. I started to guide myself of what I say and what the others say about me.
One manager at work sent me a message which crashed me so bad, she wrote on the email that I am very slow, I can’t write or speak proper English she just doesn’t know how I got employed. Wow . Did I not cry? It stayed with me, I believed that I was not good enough, I believed that my communication skills are bad. Mind you I still needed to report to her, I resented her, I was so hurt but I promised my self that I will prove her wrong, because I will make sure that my grammar and spelling will be correct each time. She damaged me emotionally, she destroyed my self esteem.
I didn’t have the courage to stand up to her and tell her how hurtful her words and how much she destroyed me, I thought she was right, I believed her. It took me time to let go of those hurtful words, it took time not to self guide what I say to the public. I started being shy when I wanted to communicate and engage in a big groups because I would think that maybe I would say something wrong, maybe I am embarrassing myself .
I want to tell you today that I started to do a self evaluation, I attended events that would challenge my thought, I started to engage with powerful women, wonderful leads. I got to understand that it was not about me, she was a very bitter person, she didn’t know me personally, I learned that I should forgive myself 1st for allowing those hurtful words to stay and destroy me for the longest time. I started to forgive her as well because it was not personal.
When I got a promotion and I left her department, she wrote me a long email. On the email, she thanked me for being the greatest employee, she even wrote how intelligent I was, how the world will benefit in having such a wonderful person that I am. She wished me well and wrote that she knows that I will prosper in the world. I was so amazed, I was shocked because in my heart I still carried those words, I was still bitter. Best believe me when I tell you that Today I know that she really didn’t mean those words, she was just in a bitter space in her life and she took it out of me.
I want to tell you today that trust your gut feelings, you are enough, don’t allow other people’s hurtful words to destroy you and to even destroy your ego. To doubt yourself. Do not allow that. We are all learning to be better human beings. We are all crawling no one has it together.
I am such a better person today, I trust myself and I know that I am capable of all the good things out here. I know I can be whatever I want to be. Give yourself more time to grow, don’t be harsh towards yourself. Don’t take things into your heart especially from people who don’t even know you. Love yourself everyday and forgive yourself in the process.
#doingitforthesoul.
Zamas-Journey 