Zamas-Journey

When I was a child (years back) I never thought I would say I am unhappy, I never thought life would be complicated, I never thought I would make decision that would hurt other people and affect their self esteem.

Growing up has taught me that no one has it together and it has proven to me that happiness comes from within, I needed to know myself 1st so that I can be able to source my own happiness. I needed to believe in myself 1st so that I can be able to relay on other people. Same thing as happiness. You need to experience it, know it thereafter you can be able to differentiate it from being unhappy or sad.

The unfortunate thing about happiness, no one tell you that you need to be happy, no one teachers you how to be happy. We all know that it just a feeling that happens within us, because something good has actually happened to you and you smile, you laugh and you talk about it frequently. You can have friends, family and a partner that will always be next to you when you need support you can trust them and lean on them when things fall apart or when you need to share your good news with but if you decide that you won’t do anything about their presence in your life, if you won’t appreciate them, if you become consistently unhappy even when they are around you that clearly indicate that it has nothing to do with them, it has everything to do with you. The bitter and the sad person is you. Maybe you have to for us on self prospective on what makes you unhappy, why are you unhappy even if you have people who love you around you.

Until you decide that you need to shine and smile again you will blossom, you will laugh, you will feel lighter.

What has help me through out my journey is to love myself unconditionally. I needed to talk to myself on a daily basis practice to be gentle and care towards myself. I needed the experience, how does it makes me feel if I showered myself with present each time I pass a mile stone in my life, if I constantly tell myself that I am enough and beautiful, I realized how much I loved it, I started to enjoy my own company because I stopped judging myself, I stopped punishing myself for things that I have no control over.

When I am sad, I allow myself and my body to feel it and at the same time I try not to punish myself by dwelling on it. I move on and start again, try again. I sometimes go out for a glass of wine and pizza that heals me, makes me happy. You gotta know what makes you smile, what cheers you up, that is why I say happiness start within you, come from you. Understand yourself 1st, love yourself 1st. Do the things that you like/ love yourself 1st. It prevents disappointments, it prevents you from having expectations that might not be met.

I love flowers, they heal my soul, they brighten up my day. I have so many thing that heals me I pick and choose which one I want to do at that particular time, I need to decide which one will makes me smile.

Now I know that nobody takes away your happiness. Start taking ownership of your own joy and happiness. Start embracing the small things 1st. Always practice gratitude it does give one joy believe me on that.

#doingitforthesoul.

Here comes a time where you really face life with it ups and downs. Where you need to strive and make it at work… where you really want to excel probably in everything you do, your career, building a family and your relationships. I am not quite sure whether it nature or it society that want us to believe that everything should happen at a certain time and age. should it not be done on those specific times there are fore you have failed in this life thing.

I wonder if you still communicate with your “best friend” you had at primary school ? Secondary school maybe? If you are still friends with them I am happy for you, It one of those things that is very rare to happen that we still communicate with old friends that we used to have, for various reason as well, It could be a change of location, It could be that both of you have really evolved and have nothing in common, Life has shifted and introduced new people, new tribes towards your life and that okay.

Drifting apart from friends for me it not a bad thing,in fact I think it normal and I really dont take it personal, I am one person who allows change to come in and adapt towards that change, I may not like the situation and it maybe very uncomfortable but I always try and look at the bright side of things, I quickly check what in for me because in every situation there is something to be learned, In every ending relationship and friendship there is a lesson to be learned. The fortunate part about late 20s is that most of our peers are blossoming , our friends are blossoming and you might just feel like you are not and you are out of the zone, this should not be the reason why you lose your friends, other might be blessed with marriage and kids, others might achieve their big / long term goal early, which will demand more from them, it will demand time and energy. These two reason should not drift apart any relationship you had with your friend but I am not going to shy away from the fact that it can drift you guys apart if it not handle accordingly.

I don’t think it a bad thing if you allow your friend to shine and excel in that position that she finds herself in at that certain moment and you will be on the side to clap for her, the pressure of wanting to excel and achieve everything at a younger age is real and can put you through so much stress and anxiety. No one tells you that it okay to achieve your goals at the age 35, because this is not a competition but it a journey just enjoy the ride, learn the lesson and make mistakes. It difficult because each time when you look at others who have done it and are successful in the game you never check their age , you don’t even think that they might have encountered challenges along the way but they pulled through it.

Society has made it difficult for us to make mistake, it has made it difficult for us to go with the flow and knowing that good things take times to happen, learning a new skill don’t happen in two days, achieving your dreams won’t happen in a blink of an eye. We are so used to quick result because we carry these smartphones and social media makes it difficult to accept reality, So should our goals not be meet at a certain time we decide to end our lives, we decide that we are nothing but a bunch of losers,because depression is real and mental illness is real.

My take away from all this is that, It normal to lose friends that no longer add value in your current life and don’t feel bad about it. Don’t compete it draining and exhausting. Block negative people/ negative friends in your life. Trust in your instincts they always right, don’t wait for confirmation from others because you might never get it. Adulting is not easy, making long life decision it’s not easy as well because you are trying minimize mistake for the future. Mistakes are part of our lives start to embrace them and rejection is our starting point in achieving everything we ever wanted in this life.

#doingitformysoul #embracingchange #lovingmymistakes.

I love exploring, I love adventures and to be quite honest I even enjoy it better when I am alone because no one is rushing to go back to the hotel or home.

The level of crime in South Africa has made me question myself so much, I fear so many things, I always wonder in my mind if these people really see if I am not from that province or town. I am scared to roam around without being conscious. I am forever looking around for something that looks suspicious.

This fear really want to take away the joy of freedom within my heart, as much as I would want to go out and have fun at night in a place that I am not familiar with, I sometimes talk myself out of that thought because I am questioning my safety. Is this how life should be lived?

I want to go and visit another country, my question is would I fear to walk around alone, would I fear to ask for direction because I am scared that someone will hurt or harm me, I know this is not the way we should be living life, I know that it should be better then this thought that I am having. The sad truth is that each and every time one opens a tv and watching the news, the headlines is that ” a female is missing. Really!

I believe that in order to cast this fear is to regularly travel alone because I want to travel alone, I no longer want to live like a slave in my own country, I no longer want to live in fear in my own home.

Freedom start within you, I am hoping and wishing myself a luck on trying this adventurous life without fear. Fear of the unknown.

Life is meant to be enjoyed and experienced. What ever that makes you happy, May you find gut to do it. I am planning to travel a solo vacation to another country. I will give proper feedback about that based on my fears of walking in the streets of any town, country or province.

Traveling allows you to have a different perspective about life, about other people. Travel gives you the opportunity to be thankful for what you have and start embracing your life the best way you know how.

#Doingforthesoul

Human beings talk, people believe that they are entitled to their own opinion in any situation given or presented to them. People have opinion about anything as long as they are not in the situation.

I grew up in a township where I needed to defend myself towards other children, at school I used to be bullied just like any other kids, the unfortunate part about being bullied in public school is that, those kids get to bully you with something that is very true, they choose something within your body that doesn’t look right, they will tease you with something that you really can’t change, they will make fun of it and everybody will notice it, your self esteem get to be bruised. I was just a child as well I didn’t know that it could affect me when I grew up.

I grew up and I was very hyper, I was a friendly child, very loving. When I started working , I started to notice small things, I was very sensitive and I am still till today. I started to guide myself of what I say and what the others say about me.

One manager at work sent me a message which crashed me so bad, she wrote on the email that I am very slow, I can’t write or speak proper English she just doesn’t know how I got employed. Wow . Did I not cry? It stayed with me, I believed that I was not good enough, I believed that my communication skills are bad. Mind you I still needed to report to her, I resented her, I was so hurt but I promised my self that I will prove her wrong, because I will make sure that my grammar and spelling will be correct each time. She damaged me emotionally, she destroyed my self esteem.

I didn’t have the courage to stand up to her and tell her how hurtful her words and how much she destroyed me, I thought she was right, I believed her. It took me time to let go of those hurtful words, it took time not to self guide what I say to the public. I started being shy when I wanted to communicate and engage in a big groups because I would think that maybe I would say something wrong, maybe I am embarrassing myself .

I want to tell you today that I started to do a self evaluation, I attended events that would challenge my thought, I started to engage with powerful women, wonderful leads. I got to understand that it was not about me, she was a very bitter person, she didn’t know me personally, I learned that I should forgive myself 1st for allowing those hurtful words to stay and destroy me for the longest time. I started to forgive her as well because it was not personal.

When I got a promotion and I left her department, she wrote me a long email. On the email, she thanked me for being the greatest employee, she even wrote how intelligent I was, how the world will benefit in having such a wonderful person that I am. She wished me well and wrote that she knows that I will prosper in the world. I was so amazed, I was shocked because in my heart I still carried those words, I was still bitter. Best believe me when I tell you that Today I know that she really didn’t mean those words, she was just in a bitter space in her life and she took it out of me.

I want to tell you today that trust your gut feelings, you are enough, don’t allow other people’s hurtful words to destroy you and to even destroy your ego. To doubt yourself. Do not allow that. We are all learning to be better human beings. We are all crawling no one has it together.

I am such a better person today, I trust myself and I know that I am capable of all the good things out here. I know I can be whatever I want to be. Give yourself more time to grow, don’t be harsh towards yourself. Don’t take things into your heart especially from people who don’t even know you. Love yourself everyday and forgive yourself in the process.

#doingitforthesoul.

I am able to tell a story if only I was there and had an experience. So I relocated from Durban to Johannesburg in 2017 August. The purpose was to find myself, to understand myself better, to find my purpose. The few months where fine and all, I enjoyed the journey at that time.

When time went by I needed to make change, I needed to make certain decisions because I knew what I came to do in Johannesburg. One of the things I had to adopt it was to love myself as a whole, to accept myself as I am. When people started to leave me I found myself, when people started to say I am busy I can’t make it, I questioned myself if this is really how I should be living my life? I made a decision to come 1st in everything that I do, if someone cancel our arrangement that doesn’t mean the party must stop, I shall carry on and go do what makes me happy.

I started going to social gatherings alone. I needed to understand how does it feel to be in a social space where everyone looks happy, everyone looked like their life is perfect and it in the right shape and pieces. I don’t even want to lie to you, few minute in, I felt so lonely, I thought I didn’t belong there, I thought maybe it not my kind of scene, I thought they could see inside my heart how lonely I felt, how vulnerable I was in that moment, I felt empty. It was a 7 km hike, so when the hike went by I started accepting all my feelings, I started telling my heart and soul that this is about you guys, I came here because I needed to feel something and let me accept all these feelings with grace. Hike went on and I found my self, I started making conversations with anyone who was willing to talk and engage.

I accepted the pace of my journey, I started to appreciate the hike and nature, I started to thank myself for coming here and satisfying my soul, I stopped and took pictures, I took videos and I made sure that I will enjoy my own company, I will enjoy everything that is surrounding me. I let go of fear, I let go of judgement and I started to mingle and laugh about anything that made me smile/ laugh. I started to appreciate my strength for making myself happy without anybody’s approval . I stopped and asked people to please take pictures of me, I needed to create memories for my own sanity, I needed evidence that I did it and it okay, it felt so good.

The mountains spoke to me, the stones, the hills, the grass needed me at that certain time. I needed to find my inner voice and peace. I needed to be by myself, I needed to understand my own journey, I needed to take one step at the time and go. I needed to taste how does it feel to be there all alone and see other kids having fun with their friends and partners.

I was too comfortable in Durban, I felt like the province is too small for my own growth, I tried to grow but it just didn’t happened. I never want to force things, I let them be, I prayed for a new path and it came. I am still creating memories. I am still chasing my peace and happiness. I am still choosing myself over everything and anything. Life taught me to throw away all my fears because there are here just to delay my plan and processes.

I hope you are living your life to the fullest, I hope you take calculated risk, I hope you give yourself the love that you always give to others. Be really gentle to your heart and soul.

#doingitformysoul

Running is a personal journey for me, I get to think and be with my thought. Yes it very difficult at some point to run/ jog because you need to monitor the food you eat so it can be much easier.

I personally run for health purposes and I run because I really want to look yummy and beautiful lol. Well it helps me distress a lot. I am able to be patient with my mind… I am able to be patient with my body as well. My body usually tells me when its tired, when its dehydrated, I get to interact with myself fully.

I have bad months where I won’t even wake up and run even 2 kilometer a day because it winter, I get to eat all the unhealthy food in winter as well because the weather just says come cuddle with me, come let have fun. Yes I know it bad please don’t look at me like that (Lol).

I am currently preparing for Small Marathons, Yeyiii which I am very excited about. Running alone and running with a crowed it a huge difference and I am yet to experience that and will update you on that experience. I drink a 2 liter water each day, like everyday. When I stared that journey it was not easy because I was not drinking that much of a water but now I am loving it and it helps me a lot in so many part of my body. You should try it as well it good for your body and I must say your body needs it.

days are really not the same, I get to be thankful for good days where I nailed my jog to the “T”, well on that day it means I was able to meet my goal, I usually set goals each time I start a jog, I tell myself this is how many minute I need to finish this race, The pace of my running needs to be on a certain time, well if I don’t meet my target not a big deal I get to start again tomorrow.

Setting running goals helps me a lot, I get to push myself to the limit, I encourage myself not to stop because I know what on the pipe line, I get to understand the rotten better, should anything happen while I am running I take notice of what made me not achieve my goal.

Running is my life, it helps me solve and understand so many things that meant to trip me fall, Lol. Well it works like a medication for me.

#doingitformysoul

Life challenge you to grow. In any form of growth it becomes a challenge. I had to grow, I needed to do certain things that showed maturity, I needed to accept myself as I am. I needed to stop judging myself which is a struggle to master. I needed to accept all the flaws that I have and learn from them.

Life needs to be figured out, the best way you know how by yourself because there is no manual that is guiding us how to do certain things, you set your own goals, you set your own boundaries, you have your own values. what I have learned is that I matter, I am learning to be kind to myself and respect myself. I needed to understand myself better before the world could understand me, I needed to be able to love myself unconditionally so that when other people don’t show or give the love that I know and deserve I am able to go and find a space where I feel safe and I say I belong.

When I grew up I thought being alone was a sign of being lonely, being bored. I thought it was wrong, I thought I should have lot of friends, I wanted to fit in, I didn’t understand if a person would say “I am full of myself” I would be so hurt, I would try by all means to be this lovely girl that will impress all her friends but I realised that it not going to happen, It was not happening, I got so tired. I grew up from all that, I started to look at life differently, I started to focus on the things that makes me happy, I started to dedicate all the energy that I have to empower myself, to do things that makes me happy, to face my fears.

I started to attend social gatherings alone, I started to do my hobbies alone, I wanted to experience how does it feel to be alone, what feelings am I getting, who do I become once I am there alone and trying to make friends, I love it. Yes I did go through all kinds of feeling, I felt lonely, I got nervous, I judged myself so much tried even to convince myself not to attend that particular function/ gathering. Well what I have learned and that I am still learning, Is to stop judging myself, Is to stop wanting to perfect everything I touch. I will never be perfect because there is no such thing as perfect, well I am becoming the person that I believe I am meant to be, I am becoming a loving human being and I am practising that skill grom myself. Life is a journey, I am not rushing anywhere, I am loving this journey and will keep choosing myself through it all.

#doingitformysoul.

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If I had to sit down and allow myself to accept the things that I really can’t change about the situation around me at that certain time, I think that would be self love on it best and self care. The situation can be beyond your control and there is nothing you can do to change that. All you need is to accept the current situation and try and look for an alternative ways to move you forward. It easier said than done I know.

There are so many question we ask ourselves about life generally, we question the decision we take and the consequences that comes with it, but at the end of the day we need to make a decision, the question we should be asking ourselves is that “Is this decision going to benefit me or it will benefit the others?” I wish all the decision that I will make from today going forward will have self love and acceptance of what will be the outcome.

If we can just accept and really be patient with our life, patient with our timing and learn to accept the outcome of the decisions we take, put some self care and love on it. Self love is putting your feelings first, Self love is just admiring all your baby steps and knowing that you are walking in your own lane. Self love is not rushing your progress, It not comparing yourself with others. Self love is knowing your worth and that you are the best.

#Doingitformysoul.

Each time when I buy myself flowers or roses, I make sure that I keep them till the last days, where they are no longer fresh, we all have different reason why we love flowers or roses.

I always reflect on them to my personal life and I honestly see God in everything I touch especially nature. In life I believe that one needs to grow, One needs to understand themselves better because you are not the same person as you were 2 years ago. It up to the world to adjust around yourself. sometimes people go away in your life for so many reason and it very important for them to leave you.

It shows growth, it show the change of character that you have, Hence why we finished primary school, we go to secondary school / Senior phase. Because we are growing we need to connect with similar or smarter human being than us. We need to learn new things, we need to be challenged, Same goes with our personality it changes, it want to grow, it out grow other things, Allow it.

No one will tell you how to treat yourself, how to take care of yourself, how to behave. Are you organized ? Are you clean? Are you a beautiful mess? We can’t answer that, You are the one that has an answers to that, how you collect your mess to be in order, to be together just like these roses, How beautiful they are collected. It becomes a choice weather you wanna be a mess just like in the first picture (roses)for the rest of your life or you wake up and you decided that let me be the beautiful mess, let me collect myself, let me be organized. Not because you want to prove a point to anyone, No.

You want to be a better person for your own sanity, your own worth, your own growth.

These are roses layers, when you look closely to them, when each layer get to fall down because it dry or old, there is a new layer that comes out which is fresh , bright and beautiful. That what happened to us as well, when you go through change, challenges you learn from them, You accept the situation, You accept your mistake and you need to re-start again, You need to let go of that older layer that came out because a new layer needed to show up. That how we appreciate our mistakes because they teach us something about ourselves and we become better human being, who thinks differently, you no longer scared of change, you know better that change develop a better you.

If you don’t want to grow, If you don’t want to learn new things and take risk. I always say you will miss the opportunity of knowing yourself, you miss the opportunity to open new layers of yourself, you don’t allow yourself to grow, to evolving being a better person. Self awareness / self development is very important, it a game changer for everyone.

• We show up differently in different space of our life’s. We become what we want to become when we understand ourselves. You become brave when you have done self awareness about yourself and you have accepted yourself as you are. Someone may look at the dry roses and throw them away because to them they don’t add any value, someone may look at the dry roses and take time out to open the layers that where they get to see the bigger picture. At the end of everything, You have yourself, you are left with yourself. It up to you how you want to see yourself as, there is beauty in everything. No matter how old it may be, No matter how many challenges it has faced, No matter how many wounds it has, if you look closely there is a lesson to be learned in everything. Have courage to face your fear.
• Love as much as you can.
• Live your life like today is your last day in this earth.

Take risk / calculated risk

#Myjourney#myexperiences

Money runs the world, Most will agree and some will disagree. Money brings happiness. Well all these statements are debatable, People have different opinion when it comes to finances. We all have a relationship regarding money, how you handle it, how you treat it, so the response regarding money will be based on your experience with it, I call it a two way relationship that really need to be natured and gurdied all the time.

I personally love money, I know how to treat it, I had my good and bad experiences when it comes to finance, I have made wrong decision which taught me something great about money, I use it as a tool, I know that I have to study/ analyse my behavior around it, I know that I need to give/ share when I have enough to do so, it can be in any form of sharing, giving 10 % of your salary at church each year, or just simply giving every sunday services at church, it really up to you which sharing you prefer and that worth giving too as well, that will make your heart be at peace.

I cannot measure my success through money, ( how much i have in my bank balance) cause you find that my success has nothing to do with money or being rich/ having a certain bank balance. Well I also think that the way you treat money it will give you the same response.

I believe that it rotate in circles, When you received your pay cheque , what do you pay for? do you you budget? do you have spending amount for going out? do you invest some of that money so that it can generate more income/ profit for you. Hence why I say it a relationship that needs to benefit both parties. In order for you to receive more of it , you need to be able to plaint it in various places that will be beneficial to you at the end.

You need to be able to do self evaluation when it comes to money, Be able to accept if you have a bad relationship with money, you are a spender of unnecessary things, you know them and no one will judge but acknowledge so that you can be able to go to step two. I know money makes me so happy that why I work so hard, for me it a necessity to have money and it allows me to live a comfortable life.

There is nothing wrong on loving money I believe, No one has the right to judge you that you love money, we generate money in different streams. Be able to say No to things that you can not afford, Be realistic about your needs and wants. Have priorities, they say money is not everything. I don’t know as yet , well it a debate for other day. What your language around people who have money, Do you hate them? if yes find your, Why? If you don’t hate them find your, Why also.

I wish you a healthy relationship with your money, I hope it brings you joy, I hope it doesn’t stresses you. Find healthy ways of managing it, No one has ever said I have enough money that I know, I wish to meet them one day, manage it well and don’t be hard to yourself, you are getting there and you truly doing so well. Keep it healthy and moving.